We were so privileged to have trustee and longtime congregant Denise Sobel speak at Pride Shabbat this June. ย Her remarks were much needed at time when the nation was grieving at the tragedy in the LGBT community in Orlando, Florida. ย We asked Denise if we could publish her speech and offer it as a way to embrace healing and love for all.
Remarks by Denise Sobel for Pride Shabbat at
Congregation Rodeph Sholom, New York City
June 17, 2016
Good evening and Shabbat Shalom.
Over the past few years, the Pride Shabbat service here at Rodeph Sholom has evolved to feature congregant voices, as a way of collectively experiencing the perspectives of fellow congregants, and helping to drive home messages that are immediately personal and relevant. I have been asked to share my story about my experience as a parent of a queer daughter.
In Jim Cathcartโs book, The Acorn Principle, it is said that an acorn is capable of becoming a mighty oak, but it will never become a giant redwood โ no matter how much you feed or push it.
The general idea is, you have a child, but you have no idea how they are going to grow up.
When my daughter was a sophomore in high school, she came home from a NFTY weekend retreat, an event sponsored by Rodeph Sholom, and announced she was in love with a girl from Religious School. As she bubbled over with excitement, I could see she was in love as only a 15-year-old can be. One hundred percent puppy love. I guess I was happy for her, just wistful that it wasnโt a boy. That would have made her life easier, and we parents all want to make our childrenโs lives easier.
I had no idea how relaxed and accepting I was as a parent until a few years later, when I heard heart-breaking stories of gay teens being rejected by their families. Since her dad and step-mom and the rest of the family (including her grandparents) was equally accepting of her being gay, I sort of assumed that most families felt as I did. After all, we were living on the Upper West Side in New York City where itโs โcoolโ to be different.
As a parent, I was lucky that I didnโt have pressure from my grandparents and parents that my child had to be a certain way. With respect to Naomi, I was lucky that some of my expectations came true. It happened that I already had a good relationship with my entire family, and my community, including the clergy here at Rodeph Sholom. So when Naomi was questioning whether she was gay or not, she had people she could talk to that she already had a relationship with.
Naomi had really connected with the clergy and the Religious School even before she became a bat mitzvah. Rabbi Matt Gewirtz had joined the clergy as an intern. That was about the same time that Rodeph Sholom hired our first female rabbi, Camille Angel, who happened to be gay. The clergy decided not to present her to the community as a gay rabbi, but rather present her as our newest rabbi.
As all this was happening, Naomi was coming out, and, because she had such a close relationship with the clergy, she was able to talk about her sexuality with them. Just as she was learning more about how to be deepen her involvement with Judaism, they were learning from her how to gradually bring the community along. You want to have patience and compassion for people who think differently, who mean well, but say something that is insensitive. Itโs a process.
I like to compare the process to driving on a highway. We are all going to the same destination, but we are going to get there in different ways. Accept that some people are going to say, โIโm right with you, Iโll follow behind you.โ Other people want to go faster, or slower. Not everyone is going to use his or her turn signal on the road, but basically you hope that everyone is going the same way.
My daughter asked me if I would be disappointed if she decided not to have children. Luckily for her (and for me), I didnโt automatically expect that just because I had a daughter meant, that I was entitled to grandchildren. My hopes and expectations for my daughter were that she would be kind, thoughtful, and try to do what she could to make the world a better place. So far, so good. It turns out she is all of the above, as well as being very smart and an observant Jew. Sheโs more โfrummโ than Reform.
I donโt know what itโs like to be gay, but I do know what itโs like to have a parent reject you. When I converted to Judaism before I got married, my parents had different opinions. My father was very supportive of my decision to convert. My mother did not share in my fatherโs enthusiasm. She was devastated and could not quite grasp why I wanted to convert to Judaism. Throughout her life, she was embarrassed, angry, and ashamed of me being Jewish, in fact, it took a lot of persuasion for my father to convince her to attend my wedding.
My mother was so excited when she found out she was going to have her first granddaughter. As far as she was concerned, Naomi was perfect in every way, except that she was Jewish. As long as we didnโt talk about Judaism, everything was fine. So out of respect for my mother, and to keep the peace, I never talked about it when she was around.
Just as I became used to saying how proud I am to have a lesbian daughter and how much I really like her girlfriend, my daughter began dating a trans guy, who started as a she, now is a he. Yes, the process is a bit confusing for friends as well โ They would say with a perplexed tone, โI thought your daughter was gay.โ โIs she straight now?โ โWhat happened?โ
I am proud to say, last year, my daughter became engaged to that very same trans guy, who is a rabbi โฆ. so lots of congratulations. โWhere did they meet?โ โWhere is his synagogue?โ All seemingly innocent and normal questions, and all with the assumption that this rabbi started his life as a man. โYouโre so lucky!โ โHow did you do it?โ โI canโt even get my daughter to date a nice Jewish boy. . . .โ
Then they ask, โWhatโs his name?โ
I say, โRabbi Becky Silverstein,โ only to be met with a pause and confusion.
โDid you say Becky?โ
โYes,โ I said,โ Becky.โ
I know โ itโs confusing. Yes, my daughter is engaged to a man named โBecky,โ a man born in a womanโs body. He changed his Hebrew name from โRivkaโ to โEzra,โ but kept โBecky.โ They became engaged a year and a half ago and have been happily married for over five months. But I still get it wrong. I will be bragging about my son-in-law one minute, and the next, mention his name and accidentally call him a โshe.โ
In the book of Exodus, Moses tells his followers, โNa-aseh vโneeshmaโโ โwe will do and we will hear.โ This statement means that we will carry out Godโs commandments even before understanding what the observance of these commandments actually involves. Judaism is a religion of deed rather than of intention. A person who performs a mitzvah without focusing on its significance has nevertheless fulfilled a religious obligation.
So when it comes to understanding my daughter or her transgender husband, it doesnโt matter if I understand it or not; I just want her to be happy and support her. I may not understand it but I donโt need to. I just need to accept it and eventually understand it in time.
This has been and continues to be a progressive and beautiful learning experience. This continues to bring me and my daughter closer, and gives me a better understanding of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer community as a whole, and to you, let me say that there are way more of us for you than against you.
Although all of our hearts are still heavy from the events in Orlando, I know, for myself, that this has only strengthened my conviction. Let us all move forward with respect and understanding for one another.
Justin Callis (he/him), our Cantorial Intern, is a fourth-year student at Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in the Debbie Friedman School of Sacred Music. He is the recipient of the Reuben Peretz Abelson Prize for dedication to Yiddish Song, the Temple Israel of Boston Cantorial Prize, and the Lee Gura Memorial Prize for Aptitude in Synagogue Choral Music.
Sarah Adams, viola, performs locally with the New York Chamber Ensemble, theย Claring Chamber Players, the Sherman Chamber Ensemble, the Friends of Mozart, and the Saratoga Chamber Players.
Violinist Michael Roth is a native of Scarsdale, NY and received his early musical training with Frances Magnes at the Hoff-Barthelson Music School. He attended Oberlin College and Conservatory, continuing his studies with Marilyn McDonald. At Oberlin, he won the Kaufman Prize for violin and First Prize in the Ohio String Teacher’s Association Competition. He completed his Master of Music degree at the University of Massachusetts where he worked with the distinguished American violinist and pedagogue Charles Treger and was a recipient of the Julian Olevsky Award.ย Mr. Roth is currently associate concertmaster of the New York City Ballet Orchestra and has appeared in chamber music and as a soloist with the company, most recently in the debut of “Slice Too Sharp”, a ballet of Biber and Vivaldi violin concerti, and “After the Rain”, violin music of Arvo Part. In addition he is a member of the Mostly Mozart Festival Orchestra, Principal 2nd violin of the Westchester Philharmonic, the American Composers Orchestra and the New York Pops. He was concertmaster of the Vermont Mozart Festival Orchestra for many years and often appeared as soloist there, as well as at the Caramoor and Bard Music Festivals. He has played and toured internationally with the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra and the New York Chamber Soloists.
Known for his sweet and โsumptuousโ (New York Times) tone, American-born Doori Na took up violin at the age of four and began his studies with Li Lin at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music. He quickly made his first performance with orchestra at age seven with the Peninsula Youth Symphony as the first prize winner of the concerto competition. Thereafter Mr. Na went on to win top prizes in The Sound of Music Festival, The Korea Times Youth Music Competition, the Chinese Music Teacherโs Association, The Menuhin Dowling Young Artist Competition, The Junior Bach Festival, VOCE of the Music Teacherโs Association of California, and The Pacific Musical Society. Receiving full scholarships to private high school Crossroads School of Arts and Sciences in Santa Monica, he moved to Los Angeles to study with renown violin teacher, Robert Lipsett, at The Colburn Music School. There he appeared as soloist with the Palisades Symphony, Brentwood Symphony, and Torrance Symphony. During that time, the summer of 2004 was Mr. Naโs first time at the Perlman Music Program where his expression and musical identity were greatly influenced. He has been a part of the program ever since and participated in many of their special residencies in Florida, Vermont, New York, and Israel.
Alan Goodis is a touring Jewish musician playing over 150 events a year. Born and raised in Toronto, Alan is a proud product of URJ Goldman Union Camp Institute. Noted for his dedication to building relationships and community through music, Alan tours throughout the US to serve as an Artist-In-Residence and performer at Temples, Youth Conventions and Jewish summer camps.
Julie Silver is one of the most celebrated and beloved performers in the world of contemporary Jewish music today. She tours throughout the world, and has been engaging audiences with her gorgeous compositions and liturgical settings, her lyrical guitar playing, her dynamic stage presence, and her megawatt smile for over 25 years.
Dan is a product of the URJ Jewish camping movement. He has toured Jewish summer camps across North America for the last 15 years. A classically trained singer, Dan received his Bachelor of Music degree in vocal performance at the University of North Carolina. In 1995, realizing the potential of music to make powerful connections with Jewish youth, Dan established the Jewish rock band Eighteen. Since that time, Dan and Eighteen have released 13 albums. Songs like, Lโtakein, Bโtzelem Elo-him, Kehillah Kedoshah, Chazak, Sweet As Honey, and Asher Yatzar have become Jewish communal anthems throughout North America.
Naomi Less is an internationally celebrated singer/songwriter, ritualist and educator. Beloved for her warm smile and inviting presence, communities celebrate her imagination and innovation, tenderness and pizzazz! Her original music is sung in worship communities worldwide. Naomi serves as Co-Founder, Ritual Leader and Associate Director of Lab/Shul and is a leader in amplifying women’s voices through her work at Songleader Boot Camp and her Jewish Women Rock show on Jewish Rock Radio. Naomiadvocates for people struggling with fertility journeys as a performance artist and speaker for Uprooted: A Jewish Response to Fertility Challenges. Fun fact: Naomi and her husband wrote the song shine/Yivarech’cha, a Friday night blessing, specifically composed for URJ Crane Lake Camp, sung every Friday night in the dining hall.
Her destiny became obvious to Joanie Leedsโ parents when, at the tender age of 2, Joanie grabbed the performerโs mic at a party and belted out the entire songโTomorrowโ from Annie. Jaws dropped! No one could remember ever hearing a big voice like that coming from one so tiny and certainly no one would have thought she would one day earn a GRAMMYยฎ Award for her original music.
A composer, multi-instrumentalist, and prayer leader, Elana Arian is one of the leading voices in contemporary Jewish music. Elanaโs music is part of Jewish life across the globe, and her compositions are sung in spiritual communities, summer camps, and synagogues from Louisville to London, from Chicago to the CzechRepublic, and everywhere in between. Elana just released her fourth album of original music, The Other Side of Fear, and her compositions have been published in countless Transcontinental Music collections. Elana serves proudly on the faculty of Hava Nashira (Oconomowoc, WI), the Wexner Heritage Foundation (Aspen, CO), Shirei Chagiga (London, England), and as an instructor at the Hebrew Union College in New York, where she teaches in the Debbie Friedman School of Sacred Music. Elana has performed at Carnegie Hall, Lincoln Center, Tanglewood, and perhaps most memorably, five separate appearances at the (Obama) White House. She lives in New York with her wife, Julia, and their two daughters, Maya and Acadia.
Known for his unique, engaging, and deeply soulful approach, Noah Aronson is considered one of the most sought after Jewish musicians in North America, making over 65 community appearances each year.
There is a reason why Time Magazine has listed Michelle in their Top Ten list of Jewish rock stars.
Kol BโSeder has been composing and performing contemporary Jewish music since the early1970s. Rabbi Dan Freelander and Cantor Jeff Klepper met as college students; over the past 50years they have released numerous CDs and songbooks. With Debbie Friedman (z”l) and others, they forged a new musical sound for American Jewish camps, schools and synagogues. Their songs, such as “Shalom Rav,โ โModeh Ani,โ and “Lo Alecha,” have become traditionalJewish melodies around the world. They are delighted to be inaugurating their fiftieth anniversary celebration by appearing in support of URJ camps, where they first composed and incubated many of their early songs.
Rabbi Mira Weller (she/her) received her ordination at Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Los Angeles in May 2022. She studied Culture and Politics at Georgetown Universityโs School of Foreign Service and received her Masterโs in Jewish Education at the Rhea Hirsch School of Education at HUC-JIR. She is the proud recipient of awards for her studies in rabbinic literature, her work in Jewish education, and she was granted the Myrtle Lorch Pfaelzer-Monroe Pfaelzer Award for an Outstanding Female Rabbinical School Student (2022). Rabbi Mira speaks Hebrew and Spanish (so please practice with her!). She has a passion for uncovering new possibilities in the great wealth of our tradition and for making music inspired by Judaismโs many cultures. Her guilty pleasures include cupcakes, classical music, and philosophy.
New York bassist Roger Wagner enjoys a long and diverse career. As soloist, chamber musician, and orchestral bassist, Mr. Wagner has appeared on many of the world’s great concert stages.
Sarah Adams 
Leonard Bernstein described 
Praised by the New York Times as โirresistible in both music and performance.โ flutist, 
Margaret Kampmeier, 
Michael Roth
Our initiative for young children and their grown-ups provides a slate of offerings including Shabbat and holiday celebrations, music, classroom readiness programs, and new parent experiences. During the pandemic, we have leaned on $1m of seed funding for Sholom Sprouts established through this campaign as we offer age-appropriate virtual programs for our families with young children, who are the future of our community. We look forward to welcoming our littlest members and their grown-ups back to our new fifth floor, as well as hiring a Program Assistant to increase the capacity of Sholom Sprouts to grow. This program provides a crucial entry-point to the congregation and membership for young families.
